The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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