So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
