you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
