my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
