tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
