i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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