I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
