Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Houston, we have a blender
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
