the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
