I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
