When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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