I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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