Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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