I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
