I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
