If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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