Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
