I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
