he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
