So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
