Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
