hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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