She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
