Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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