you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
