So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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