Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
