it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
