She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
