I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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