We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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