My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
