dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
