I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
