so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
