i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
