So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so let's talk penis.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
