evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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