Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
