Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
