his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
