my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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