god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
