Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
only you would photoshop your dick
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
