you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
