i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
