just tell him i said nine months
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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