I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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