I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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