My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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