he puts the penis in happiness.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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