You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I enjoy the company of your penis
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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